I’m Not Me

At least not the me I was in 2016. Every year that passes since my seperation, and later my divorce, things change for the better. I improve emotionally by learning something about myself and my experiences.

I look back at some of my past blog post and realize that I have been healing and growing. One of the major things that helped me was accepting the fact that I wasn’t ok. I was hurting. I felt guilt and regret. I wasn’t sure about the decisions I made. I was angry. I felt like a failure, and I didn’t see a bright future.

I was struggling, but I acknowledged it, and I knew that I HAD to heal. I took a break from dating, and focused a lot on my thoughts, dreams, and habits. One of the habits I started noticing was that I’d eat healthy and workout, but then sabotage myself by over indulging on junk food. This was not me. I mean, I studied holistic health and nutrition, AND I got certified as a personal trainer in 2015! What was I doing, and why? It was all in my head, and I’m still working on some of the left over pieces (think of the stubborn pieces of the wallpaper that just won’t come off), and it will take time, but I’m working on it.

On a positive side, I’ve learned my boundaries when I date. After I improved my state of mind, I met someone. It lasted five months, and I am sad it didn’t work, but I’m also proud of myself that I didn’t accept poor treatment. I learned what my boundaries are, and I won’t allow anyone to cross them. I know what I deserve and I know what I want. With this said, I’ve learned to date better. I just came out of this relationship, so I’m giving myself time to get over that. When I’m ready to date, I will be smarter about it. I heard a Youtuber put it perfectly, dating is about collecting data. Get to know a person well; their character; their upbringing, their beliefs; the relationships they have; their mental health; how they manage emotions, and their respect levels. These are so important to know before getting physical (unless that is what you want, then go for it). For me, though, I get attached, and getting physical only makes me think about a possible future before I even know if that person aligns with me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This is the question I will ask myself from now on, “do I want this a sexually led relationship or a partnership led relationship?” Collecting the data will allow me the time to decide if I feel the individual is right for me and will make a great life partner. In my opinion, when it’s sexually led (meaning, get physical first and talk later), your mind becomes skewed and red flags can easily get missed. Lust is a sneaky one.

Another positive that I have is my career and education. I’m working on my bachelor’s degree, and my career goals. One of the most important things I’m learning is to show what your talent is. Think of sports, no one pays attention to the athlete that does just enough to get by. No. People pay attention to the one that shines, that show’s their talents and their ability to carry the team to success. So for me, and you, we need to show our talents to succeed. A lot of us that have not been mentored, or grew up as a doer, really don’t understand that doing is not the same as showing. With this said, I’m developing my skills with a nanodegree in Business Analytics, and making myself more marketable by finishing my bachelor’s. However, it is what I reveal in my work that will really prove myself, and allow me to prosper. This doesn’t have to just be about your career in the workforce, it can be your hobbies that you would like to be successful with. You can’t show for something if you don’t work on it everyday. “Even if it’s one sentence a day” – something that I tell my fellow aspiring author friends.

I’m not the same me I was in 2016. I’m better, and I’m growing. I have goals for myself and my children. I want a better life for them, and I want them to see my perseverance and dedication in a difficult time.

I will continue to share updates as much as possible, so be patient with me as I continue to transition. I may not post a lot, but when I do post, I promise it will be honest.

What is very important here is to understand that your mind plays a large, very large, role in how your life is and how it will turn out. We have to learn how to build a healthy mind because it affects everything, including your health, relationships, and career.

Getting Back into Shape

The usual is that you get into shape after a divorce or major break up, right? In my case, no.

I was in tip top shape when I was married. I worked out 6 days a week, 2 hours a day. I didn’t do the typical cardio and yoga. I pushed iron, cycled, and rowed. I became a certified personal trainer through ISSA. In addition to that, I went to school for holistic nutrition at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts, and took an additional class for plant based sports nutrition at Matthew Kenney Culinary. This obviously had its benefits because of the knowledge that I gained. However, pushing myself in the gym was to mask the high stress I was going through.

Needless to say, I gained weight after I found my happiness post divorce. I gained 20 pounds since then, but I was also super small, so I didn’t get out of hand. But I’d like to get back into shape for many reasons, but mainly for the sake of staying physically and mentally healthy.

Staying healthy is more than just looking healthy, it’s also about feeling mentally healthy too.

I wasn’t mentally healthy during my marriage because I was overwhelmingly stressed, but I also wanted to look physically appealing for my ex husband. I was THAT wife who stayed in shape post partum for my ex. NOT OK!

Working out and eating right starts with your mind, and that’s where I’m at now. I stopped working out and eating right post seperation and then divorce because I no longer had a reason to do it, but that’s not right to think this way.

I still had a reason to do right, and that reason is me. Taking care of my body for the sake of my health is crucial to living the best life. There is a long list of health benefits of working out and eating right. I still benefit from the time I was extremely healthy, but my bad habits are starting to catch up; weight gain and acne.

Keep this in mind:

DO NOT stay in shape for someone else other than yourself.

DO NOT start getting into shape post break up for the revenge body because once you get your revenge, you no longer have a purpose, you risk falling back into old habits.

DO stay in shape for yourself for the health benefits: mental clarity, getting in control of health issues, clear skin, hair regrowth, etc.

Do get into shape for the purpose of your own longevity.

The benefits of eating right and staying active is incredible when it’s for all the right reasons. Obviously, you don’t have to hit the gym the way I used to, I wouldn’t.

Remember, this starts with your mind. Get the mindset right and you will be unstoppable. Let’s do this together!

Goodbye (poem)

I’m saying goodbye to the past

And the pain that it holds.

I’m letting go of the heaviness

That once pulled at my soul.

For once I’m saying no more,

I’m saying enough is enough,

And I’m moving on.

Finally…

I have been waiting for this day

For so long.

I’m free from the spiritual chains

That once held me in darkness.

My mind can finally think,

And I can finally breath.

After the dark clouds cleared the sky,

The sun shines in my life.

No more tears like an angry storm.

No more fear of feeling alone.

No.

It’s all over now.

My journey is settling down.

My love and patience was tested,

But I was never defeated

Because my strength overpowered

the wicked.

Yes!

I finally made it.

Now that I said goodbye to the old

The new and the good have room to grow.

This poem comes from a place of experience. I understand what it’s like to be lost and hopeless about life.

When I realized my marriage wasn’t going to get any better, and the weight was on my shoulders, it hurt. I drifted into a deep sadness, but from the outside I kept moving forward with the weight on my back.

Then I left him. I took on single motherhood, and it wasn’t easy in the beginning. The drama and high emotions during my seperation made things harder. My self-esteem plummeted, but I kept going.

The day I stood in front of the judge to confirm my decision, I shook like a little chihuahua (haha) because it was a life changing moment.

Today, I feel good inside. Everyday I am growing, learning, making friends, and living life. Because of how I feel, my surroundings are changing. My freelance business is growing, my circle of friends is changing for the better, and life with my babies is the best.

So say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

Like I told my personal trainer when he said that ‘we’re going to get the old Christie back’, I told him “no, I’m ggoing to be a new and better Christie”. And so it is…I am doing just that.

Let’s Be Civil

The drama is high when a divorce is in process. I admit, I surprised my ex husband with the divorce, but he also knew that we were falling apart.

We hated each other during our separation. There were heated arguments, tears, resentment, mixed emotions, confusion, you name it we had it. Two years went by before we realized and understood enough was enough. We had our children watching and it needed to end for them, and for ourselves. They also struggled with the fact that he wasn’t around because of his military career. Needless to say, we both agreed that we needed to be civil and follow through with our divorce with little to no drama.

I kept our conversations short as well to prevent unnecessary topics from coming up. It wasn’t always easy, but it definitely got easier for the both of us with time. Sometimes we have our disagreements, but it’s rare now.

We both buried the hatchet on the past so we could move on with our lives, and focus on our kids. It has been great, not perfect but definitely a lot better than some of the ex couples that I hear about.

I’m one who is able to put aside my differences with an individual in order to keep peace, and it has worked with our co parenting. Both of us have learned and grown up from this experience. And I have to say that receiving a sincere apology from him a few weeks back completely sealed the hole in my heart. It’s not often that people receive sincere apologies for everything they have put you through. I’m definitely grateful for that.

Our divorce finalized last year November, and I’m proud of how far we have both come from everything we went through as husband and wife, and as ex’s. I truly believe that putting our children’s needs before our own emotional issues we had with one another, made a difference. Again, it’s not perfect, but our civility is near perfect compared to others.

We will likely not attend each other’s next wedding, as he already told me it would be a “hell no”, but we would both be happy for each other. I still told him to send me an invitation anyway. Our issues are squashed, so why not?

Bottom line, most divorces drag out badly because of the pain we carry from not having closure. We use this pain to continue stabbing each other in the heart, to anger each other, to get an argument started, and to cause more pain because of how much pain is within ourselves. It hurts not only emotionally, but physically too.

For a long time I didn’t have closure, but after a while I had to let it go so I could find my peace and happiness. Nothing mattered to me. I didn’t care who he dated. I didn’t care what he had to say after a while. Nothing mattered as far as him and I went. What mattered was our children and making a good plan that would work for our co parenting. As an ex wife, I don’t play games by using our children against him. I want him to be a part of our children’s life, and I leave that decision up to him.

Setting our differences aside helped make our divorce process fast and easy. We communicated openly about everything in our documents and filed together. We didn’t have lawyers either. I self filed our divorce because of how well we worked together to ge it done. I credit waiting the two years for all of the emotions to settle before I filed.

Plus, when you’re over it all, there’s nothing left to argue about when it comes to your past with each other. If you still find yourself attacking each other, then the healing and moving on hasn’t truly started. You can’t be civil until you truly heal and let it go.

I’d love to hear from others positive and negative experiences. I think sharing our stories can help others get through the process in a healthier way. Sometimes we need to see how others handled their situation so they can go about things differently. Maybe, some are still stuck in a difficult emotional state of mind and need some encouragement to get out of that. Let’s talk. Comment below.