I’m Not Me

At least not the me I was in 2016. Every year that passes since my seperation, and later my divorce, things change for the better. I improve emotionally by learning something about myself and my experiences.

I look back at some of my past blog post and realize that I have been healing and growing. One of the major things that helped me was accepting the fact that I wasn’t ok. I was hurting. I felt guilt and regret. I wasn’t sure about the decisions I made. I was angry. I felt like a failure, and I didn’t see a bright future.

I was struggling, but I acknowledged it, and I knew that I HAD to heal. I took a break from dating, and focused a lot on my thoughts, dreams, and habits. One of the habits I started noticing was that I’d eat healthy and workout, but then sabotage myself by over indulging on junk food. This was not me. I mean, I studied holistic health and nutrition, AND I got certified as a personal trainer in 2015! What was I doing, and why? It was all in my head, and I’m still working on some of the left over pieces (think of the stubborn pieces of the wallpaper that just won’t come off), and it will take time, but I’m working on it.

On a positive side, I’ve learned my boundaries when I date. After I improved my state of mind, I met someone. It lasted five months, and I am sad it didn’t work, but I’m also proud of myself that I didn’t accept poor treatment. I learned what my boundaries are, and I won’t allow anyone to cross them. I know what I deserve and I know what I want. With this said, I’ve learned to date better. I just came out of this relationship, so I’m giving myself time to get over that. When I’m ready to date, I will be smarter about it. I heard a Youtuber put it perfectly, dating is about collecting data. Get to know a person well; their character; their upbringing, their beliefs; the relationships they have; their mental health; how they manage emotions, and their respect levels. These are so important to know before getting physical (unless that is what you want, then go for it). For me, though, I get attached, and getting physical only makes me think about a possible future before I even know if that person aligns with me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This is the question I will ask myself from now on, “do I want this a sexually led relationship or a partnership led relationship?” Collecting the data will allow me the time to decide if I feel the individual is right for me and will make a great life partner. In my opinion, when it’s sexually led (meaning, get physical first and talk later), your mind becomes skewed and red flags can easily get missed. Lust is a sneaky one.

Another positive that I have is my career and education. I’m working on my bachelor’s degree, and my career goals. One of the most important things I’m learning is to show what your talent is. Think of sports, no one pays attention to the athlete that does just enough to get by. No. People pay attention to the one that shines, that show’s their talents and their ability to carry the team to success. So for me, and you, we need to show our talents to succeed. A lot of us that have not been mentored, or grew up as a doer, really don’t understand that doing is not the same as showing. With this said, I’m developing my skills with a nanodegree in Business Analytics, and making myself more marketable by finishing my bachelor’s. However, it is what I reveal in my work that will really prove myself, and allow me to prosper. This doesn’t have to just be about your career in the workforce, it can be your hobbies that you would like to be successful with. You can’t show for something if you don’t work on it everyday. “Even if it’s one sentence a day” – something that I tell my fellow aspiring author friends.

I’m not the same me I was in 2016. I’m better, and I’m growing. I have goals for myself and my children. I want a better life for them, and I want them to see my perseverance and dedication in a difficult time.

I will continue to share updates as much as possible, so be patient with me as I continue to transition. I may not post a lot, but when I do post, I promise it will be honest.

What is very important here is to understand that your mind plays a large, very large, role in how your life is and how it will turn out. We have to learn how to build a healthy mind because it affects everything, including your health, relationships, and career.

I Promise You

I promise you that I will be faithful.

I promise you that I will be honest.

I promise you I will be respectful.

I promise you I will be trusting.

I promise you I will forever hold your heart.

I promise you I will heal your spirit.

I promise you I won’t hurt you again.

I promise you I will do better moving forward.

I promise you.

This isn’t promises to a man, this is a promise to me. Other than my children, I also need to promise myself these things.

I’ll explain why.

Many of us have found ourselves in the current positions we are in because we allowed somebody else to define our happiness, determine whether we have boundaries or not, and give us empty promises.

At the end of the day, we cannot control how someone treats us, but we can control ourselves.

I recently got out of a five month relationship. It had its good times, but we argued nearly every two weeks, and I don’t mean simple arguments, they would get ugly. Eventually it got to a point where there was a spike in stress and anxiety because our arguments got worse.

Three weeks ago I attempted to officially end it because his patience with me was limited. He was emotionally struggling, but I couldn’t step away from my work or my kids on his demand. I asked that he wait until I could get to him. Sadly, this turned into words that ultimately demeaned me.

Over these past few days, things took a turn for the worse and I told him I had enough. My boundaries had been crossed, and the drama was too much.

His excuse was that he wasn’t over what happened in his past relationship. His excuses were not enough for me to stay. Why? Because he didn’t respect my boundaries. He didn’t respect my time, and he didn’t respect my feelings. I became his punching bag he used to get revenge for his past relationship.

Luckily, I was able to finally get him to leave me alone, and I’m glad for that.

This was my worst breakup since my divorce. I’m heartbroken, but sometimes letting go, no matter how much it hurts, is needed. When a relationship affects your health, causes anxiety, and makes you feel worthless then it’s not for you.

No man or woman is worth your time if they cannot respect you, andcause you pain because of their past.

It’s hard, but don’t stay if it’s hurting you. I sure never will. I will never settle.

Sometimes You Need to Stop

I find myself filling up my plate with “busy work”, just so I don’t have to think or get lost in my mind of all sorts of crazy thoughts. Recently I discovered that I have been doing this for many years out of habit. The higher the stress is the busier I get, the more projects I take on, the more I pile my plate the more I can forget about what my life really is…a little lost. Now, this is not to say that I’m not happy, but it’s to say that the uncertainty, the fear, the unknown, has me unfocused and unorganized. I try to stick to one side project, but I pile on so many that I never follow through and complete.

Some of my fears as a single mom include: financial difficulties, where my kids and I will settle down, my career, education, and student loans. It’s tough thinking about all of this because I’m relying on one income, and myself to tackle it. It’s not easy, but I know it’s not impossible to create some sort of plan to make things work out in the end. However, the thing I was talking about above gets in my way because it’s a hard habit to break. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m overfilling my plate and avoiding the important stuff that needs my attention.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you need to stop, and focus.

I’m a wandering mind with lots of ideas, wants, and desires. All of this make me want to start something new, but then I don’t finish because I’m onto the next thing. I keep doing this because I am seeking something I’m not sure what it is. I keep doing this because I don’t want to think about the fact that I’m a bit of a failure.

What do I do? I wish I had the answer because I’m sure many people face this and get lost, and never make it out. Maybe the first step is acknowledging the problem?

Ah! TIME, WHERE ART THOU?

I have so much written that is sitting stagnant in my drafts. Although I have time, I feel I’m not managing well. Or maybe it’s because I have so many projects going at once!

I started an LLC for book publishing so I can start publishing my own books under a publisher, and help other self published authors. I’m working on my own book, juggling work, children, and my partner.

But I know I am spending too much time procrastinating! I can see it, and I’m not doing anything about it. There are so many goals that I want to accomplish, but I am feeling intimidated a bit because this means it’s time to start putting my face and voice out there, and I want too, but I’m nervous.

Although I have enough life experience ad education under my belt, actually putting myself out there is scary. Is it selfsabotage? I’m not sure. I have a sense that there is not enough time to get my post written and published, work on my book and business development.

I have much to share, so don’t give up on me. Stay tuned.

-Christie

Getting Back into Shape

The usual is that you get into shape after a divorce or major break up, right? In my case, no.

I was in tip top shape when I was married. I worked out 6 days a week, 2 hours a day. I didn’t do the typical cardio and yoga. I pushed iron, cycled, and rowed. I became a certified personal trainer through ISSA. In addition to that, I went to school for holistic nutrition at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts, and took an additional class for plant based sports nutrition at Matthew Kenney Culinary. This obviously had its benefits because of the knowledge that I gained. However, pushing myself in the gym was to mask the high stress I was going through.

Needless to say, I gained weight after I found my happiness post divorce. I gained 20 pounds since then, but I was also super small, so I didn’t get out of hand. But I’d like to get back into shape for many reasons, but mainly for the sake of staying physically and mentally healthy.

Staying healthy is more than just looking healthy, it’s also about feeling mentally healthy too.

I wasn’t mentally healthy during my marriage because I was overwhelmingly stressed, but I also wanted to look physically appealing for my ex husband. I was THAT wife who stayed in shape post partum for my ex. NOT OK!

Working out and eating right starts with your mind, and that’s where I’m at now. I stopped working out and eating right post seperation and then divorce because I no longer had a reason to do it, but that’s not right to think this way.

I still had a reason to do right, and that reason is me. Taking care of my body for the sake of my health is crucial to living the best life. There is a long list of health benefits of working out and eating right. I still benefit from the time I was extremely healthy, but my bad habits are starting to catch up; weight gain and acne.

Keep this in mind:

DO NOT stay in shape for someone else other than yourself.

DO NOT start getting into shape post break up for the revenge body because once you get your revenge, you no longer have a purpose, you risk falling back into old habits.

DO stay in shape for yourself for the health benefits: mental clarity, getting in control of health issues, clear skin, hair regrowth, etc.

Do get into shape for the purpose of your own longevity.

The benefits of eating right and staying active is incredible when it’s for all the right reasons. Obviously, you don’t have to hit the gym the way I used to, I wouldn’t.

Remember, this starts with your mind. Get the mindset right and you will be unstoppable. Let’s do this together!

Meltdown Days

I have them, and more so this week.

My kids have transitioned into public school from homeschooling. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it had to happen. Their first day of school started last week Thursday.

My daughter is adapting well, but my son is not. He has been having total meltdowns. Showering and bedtime has now become nightmares.

On our way to school today, my son cried and screamed, and made me miss my turn. I had to pull over because I was about to lose it.

I try to start our mornings with tickles and laughter, but when it’s time to get ready, my son starts his tantrums.

I know I’m not the only mom that is going through this, or has gone through this. Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is harder.

Today is going to be my meltdown day after my kids are sleeping and everything is done, I’m going to jump in the shower and cry. I am going to have at it because I NEED it. Life is stressful, and I have learned the hard way that suppressing negative emotions is not healthy, and that crying has its benefits of releasing stress hormones, and “studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones (source).”

With this said, I’m going to have my moment, and you should too if you need to cry.

Managing Your Mental Health (opinion)

I learned the hard way that suppressing pain with external distractions only make things worse.

It’s important to keep moving, but it’s also important to face internal issues.

After years of my internal war, I freed myself. It took time, and patience to heal, and the process was not easy, but it was important.

A huge indication for me that something wasn’t right were the spurts of sadness I’d randomly experience.

I thought I was free and happy, but deep down I knew something was wrong. I thought that distracting myself would do the trick, but it didn’t.

I filled my plate up with all sorts of things. Besides being a busy mom, I added projects to my list, I started dating, and hanging out more with a social group.

I enjoyed everything, but the extra stuff wasn’t truly making me happy.

One day, it was like a semi truck ran me over and I just broke down crying. I couldn’t understand why, and trying to make sense of it all only confused me more.

So, I disconnected from social media, friends, and dating. Every night from there I wrote and meditated on my thoughts and spirit. I truly was struggling, but because I was using external distractions, I suppressed my feelings, and it was affecting my life in so many ways, including who I was choosing to give my personal time to.

The pieces started to come together and my weird experiences were making sense. The nightmares, spurts of sadness, insecurities, fears, and impatience all tied into this very issue, that I still wasn’t emotionally healed.

I managed this by writing, taking a couple of hours to myself after my kids went to bed to be in quietness. I allowed myself to slack off a bit by watching a series on Netflix, I pushed aside a couple of projects that were becoming a nuance rather than being the hobby I enjoyed, I forgave myself and my ex, and I breathed. This may sound weird, but taking time to breath really helps. Shallow breathing is a real thing, and sometimes it’s due to stress.

It took me a few days of writing, and a few weeks of being disconnected to feel confident enough to get back out there again. Since then, life has been a lot easier, and I’m not overdoing anything to keep my mind busy and distracted from internal issues. Life has been much better.

What have you done to overcome emotional pain and move on with your life?

You Must Heal Before Moving Forward

You will never have peace in a new relationship until you find peace within your own life.

Healing takes time after a divorce or long-term relationship. Going into a new relationship before you have fully overcome your fears will only bring new problems, and more broken hearts.

When you’re in a bad place, every little detail will be a problem in your new relationship, even when it’s irrelevant. The status of any relationship is based off of where you’re currently at emotionally. If there are fears, anxiety, and resistance because of a past relationship than you are not ready for a new one.

It isn’t fair to the new partner to absorb your pain because they had nothing to do with your past. Your pain will then become their pain because you afflict it upon them. This may open a pandora’s box that may be difficult to come out of.

With this said, you must heal first before moving forward. If you have grudges, resentment, insecurities, fears, resistance, depression, sadness, or anything linked to a past relationship than you are not ready. A new relationship will not work out or will have problems if you are carrying this load of emotional baggage with you.

It takes courage to face your fears, and it takes even more courage to face them head on by yourself. It is the most liberating and freeing feeling when you release the emotional baggage.

On a side not, it is normal to be a little nervous about a new relationship, but only if it’s not coming from an old relationship. Happiness starts with you first.

Stay Active and Social, Mamas!

I know. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Take it from someone who knows the difficulties, but also understands how to get there.

Being a great mom is my number one priority, but the only way to be a great mom is to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

I started with socializing myself by joining a singles social group shortly after my divorce. I didn’t have any friends because I moved a lot since we were a military family. I lost contact with the few friends I did have before marriage. Talk about being socially awkward when I did start going to the events.

It took time, and the occasional show ups, but I finally overcame the social awkwardness, I made great friends, and I have been enjoying some wonderful events. I also joined a soccer team of some current members and past members of the social group. In addition, I workout at LA fitness.

Nutrition plays a role in my overall health too. I try to keep a balance of healthy and junk food.

I have more energy to be active with my kids, maintain a great homeschool schedule, and I’m alot more alert at work.

And hey, reaping the benefits of staying in shape is nice.

I encourage you mamas to think about yourself too. Find your passion that gets you going. Stay healthy and active, and don’t be afraid to get out there and socialize.

If you’re in the dumps, worried about meeting “Mr. Right”, keep thinking about the past, and what ifs then I’m especially talking to you.

Our children are affected when we are down. The more they see us happy the happier they are. They’ll appreciate you more if you’re happy and engaging with them in activities and fun.

Mama’s, what do you do to keep yourself healthy in mind, body, and spirit?

Maintaining Faith

It’s understandable to feel lost and hopeless about things that come with life. I have had my moments when I wanted to give up. I blamed myself for a lot of things that happened in the past. I blamed myself for my failed marriage and all the other bad that ever happened in it. There were many restless nights, nightmares, and anxiety because I couldn’t shake this feeling of losing hope.

One day, I decided that I needed more than just staying busy and appearing like I was moving on. I needed to heal.

When I went through the healing process of accepting that not everything was my fault, and some things can’t be changed my faith began to come back. Most importantly, my faith in myself came back.

My confidence and self-esteem skyrocketed. I started showing up and being present by participating in activities for myself. I workout, I go to singles events, I play a sport now, and I continue to write.

Maintaining my faith is more than just believing in something that’s bigger than me, but also believing in myself that I can overcome hardships, heal within, and move forward and upward.

Whatever it takes for you to bring back your faith in yourself, do it. Start with acceptance, forgive, and move on.